It Hasn't Sunk In

I don't get it. Did I forget to change the batteries in the Hoodoo or something? Anaheim won the damn Stanley Cup this evening, facing a Senators team that seemed to have completely run out of gas.

Did the Senators have their initial rounds too easy? One wouldn't think that, especially facing the Sabres. But I guess this was Anaheim's year: two easy playoff rounds, one round against Detroit where they won despite being consistently outplayed, and one last round where their opponent simply didn't keep up.

Didn't. Not "couldn't". The Senators just didn't want it enough, and it showed, and that is baffling the hell out of me right now.

You know who I'm happy for? Teemu Selanne. He's been in the league 16 seasons, has been a fantastic player, still holds the record for goals in a rookie season, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. I'm happy that he gets his name on the cup; he deserves it.

I am not happy that Pronger, that brain-damaged troglodyte, gets his name on the cup. Sure, when the ice is tilted his way, he's a good defenseman, but put him under any sort of pressure and his true colors show through. This was the second playoff series in a row where he was suspended for a game because of a dirty hit. He missed game four of the Detroit series because of a hit to the head of Tomas Holmstrom, who was, fortunately, able to come back and play; and then Pronger does the same thing in this series against Ottawa, an elbow to the head of Dean McAmmond, who did not come back, missing the last two games of the series because of concussion symptoms. I'm glad the league at least responded to the problem, but a one-game suspension, for a guy that did the exact same thing a week or so ago, is a slap on the wrist, especially when you consider the injury inflicted.

Everyone seems surprised that he acts that way. I don't know why; the man has been suspended seven times in his career. He's a goon with a Norris Trophy, and I regard his style of play with contempt.

On the plus side, this makes the third time in three season that the Cup has been won by a team in a "non-traditional" hockey market. So all of the slope-browed morons who like to go on about how cities in the south don't "deserve" a hockey team can suck it.

Review of POTC: At World's End

If you haven't seen the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, At World's End, and you don't feel like having plot points tossed around in front of you, you may wish to delay reading this. To paraphrase Barbossa, "Here there be spoilers!"

Let me start off by saying that I enjoyed this movie. Now that's out of the way. There were a lot of things wrong with this movie, not the least being that you needed a scorecard; too many characters to keep track of, and far too many convoluted plots. The plethora of characters is the main problem; they get enough screen time to catch your attention, and perhaps even pique your interest, but that's just too bad, because they don't do anything other than act vaguely pirate-y and, in some cases, die on cue.

That's bad, because it takes valuable time away from figuring out what everyone else is up to: who is Will Turner betraying this time (and, really, is there anyone he won't betray)? Is there any guy Elizabeth Swann won't kiss? What wacky hijinks will Jack Sparrow get up to next?

Let's break it down with character ratings, actually, the notion for which I'll cheerfully steal from Lore Sjoberg:

• Will Turner, you bland, bland guy. When you're not pining or scheming, you're getting stabbed with the sword you made way back in the first movie. Dying was the most interesting thing you did in this film. Should have stayed with blacksmithing, buddy. But you do get to hook up with Keira Knightley. Lucky bastard. C
• Elizabeth Swann, for your efforts in looking awesome in all three films, you get to show off your legs in this one and become the Pirate King. Nomenclature aside, you make a fine ship captain, but I am sick to death of stirring pre-battle speeches, even when delivered by pirate hotties. Maybe if you ask Barbossa real nice, he'll give you back that dress you wore in the first movie. B+
• Jack Sparrow, the inner workings of your mind are troubling, aren't they? At least your schizophrenia makes a convenient excuse for how your personality never quite gels in any of the three movies. Are you drunk? Do you suffer from sunstroke? Are you a stunningly competent man hiding behind a thin veneer of illucid rambling, or are you a lunatic with flashes of brilliance? But even when you're not making sense, you're still very entertaining, and you did get eaten by a sea monster, so I'm feeling benevolent. B
• Davy Jones has a squid for a head, it turns out, because he sucks at his job. He sucks at his job because he's pining for his girlfriend. His girlfriend is the goddess of the sea, Calypso, who has been imprisoned in mortal form by the original Pirate Lords, and now has a profitable byline in the creepy voodoo business, along with a thriving psychic-help hotline. Too bad you're the one who set her up for that, squid-head*. But going emo doesn't help you much, since your wee tears of heartbreak just kind of blend with your various cephalapoid secretions anyway. You're a mopey, homicidal monster with no work ethic, but you do stab Will Turner, so that grants you some leeway in my book. C+
• Chow Yun-Fat's character**, you have the awesome head scars, and I was hoping that at some point you would dive sideways through the air, shooting flintlock pistols with both hands, while a small flock of doves flew away in the background. But I was disappointed; your main purpose in the film was to die conveniently. C-
• Captain Barbossa. I've got man-love for this evil bastard. Geoffrey Rush dominates the screen, whatever scene he's in. Seriously. USA Channel has been showing Curse of the Black Pearl every single night this past week; I only catch the last 45 minutes or so every time, and watching Barbossa stride, snarl, and kill his way through the movie is just a treat. His presence is enormous; he acts ten feet tall and indestructible. Barbossa is also the only character that you can rely on. His motivation? Be an Evil Pirate. That's it. You know where you stand with this guy and, paradoxically, it's not so bad when he turns on you; no heartbreak, no real surprise because, hey, evil pirate. But let's focus on At World's End for the moment. Barbossa's main job in the film is to be the guy what knows things, and the rest of the time, he's free to live it up. Rush plays him with glee and intensity, and no piece of scenery goes unchewed. And he constantly has to interrupt performing a wedding ceremony in order to shoot people. A, and the only reason it's not higher is because he missed out on more screen time.

Forced levity aside, At World's End is still a flawed film. There's a lot of extraneous details that draws attention away from the plot, rather than moving it along. There are tons of characters added for flavor that only manage to water things down by taking screen time away from the characters we're interested in. And, all told, the film is a good hour longer than it needed to be. I had to take a bathroom break during the film, and I didn't miss anything; that's a bad sign.

The acting was fine, with the exception of Orlando Bloom (who is really becoming a type-cast pretty-boy, and will remain so if he doesn't step up). The small undead monkey was back, in what I consider to be one of the more amusing running jokes in cinema today. The special effects were well-done but not visually arresting***, with the exception of the character effects, which have really been the showpiece of the entire franchise, be they zombie pirates, or half-man-half-sealife pirates, or whatever.

Did anyone else besides me find it odd that a Disney movie starts out with the execution of a child? That's uncharacteristic; it's normally other family members that get the axe. That entire opening scene is never explained satisfactorily, despite the fact that they clearly had enough running time; that's when you know that the movie has just gotten too crowded.

It wouldn't take much of a paradigm shift to turn this movie completely on its ear, either. Keep in mind that our main characters, the ones were rooting for, are sea-faring gangs of murderous, looting thugs. Naturally, their antagonist has to be someone we like even less: big business (never mind which company produced the film, nor the budget that went into it; irony is thick on the ground here). The East India Company wants to eliminate all of the pirates to make the seas safe for commerce...who are we supporting again? If the movie hadn't started out with indiscriminate hangings, and if the main "bad guy" weren't such a poncey jackass throughout the film, we might not know who to cheer for. Give the East India Trading Company guys more screen time, and all of a sudden they're the heroes, cleverly exploiting their enemies' weaknesses in order to prevent innocent sea merchants from being robbed and murdered by pirates.

I would see this movie again, and I don't really say that too often; I enjoyed it more than the second film, by quite a bit. So ultimately, its virtues outweigh its faults. The first movie is still the best of the lot, even if Barbossa does die at the end.

*(I told you this was complicated.)
**(IMDB lists him as "Captain Sao Feng")
***(Yeah, I can't tell that it's not a real explosion, but if the explosion itself isn't interesting, who cares?)